I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
