Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
