i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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