I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
