I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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