What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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