My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize