I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
