The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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