no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
