drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
