he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
