sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
