I hate your face
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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