i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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