just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
