doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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