i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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