How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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