This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
