I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
