I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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