So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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