after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
