I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
