So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
