I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
