If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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