Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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