My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize