The maid of honor just puked.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
