I want you more than these girls want KFC
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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