so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
