8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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