This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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