I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
