So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
