I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
