Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize