My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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