I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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