I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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