i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
