Non-Jews are for practice
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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