i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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