I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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