I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
