I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
