Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
