I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Small penises have feelings too.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
