Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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