I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize