WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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