Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
