Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
