i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
