is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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