Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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