I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
