I cannot find my penis.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
